What I Know Now
by chocolatequeen
Summary: Mac muses over the things she's learned in the course of her relationship with Harm
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't now nor will I ever own JAG  
  
As far as I know, this story will all be in Mac's POV.  
  
bWhat I Know Now/b  
  
My junior year of college, my roommate got engaged. I remember asking Lisa once how she knew that Scott was iThe One/i. She just got a dreamy look on her face and said "When you know, you just know. there's no explaining it." I scoffed at that-look at me, I'd been married once already, although she didn't know that. What was this business about "just knowing?" All I'd known with Chris was that he was a lot of fun and could get me away from my dad.  
  
After she and Scott got married, I didn't see Lisa much, and I lost contact with her completely when I went to law school. This one comment stuck with me over the years though; I'd find myself wondering if I would ever feel that way about anyone, or if they would ever feel that way about me.  
  
But by the time I met a certain Navy pilot-turned-lawyer I'd pushed the conversation to the back of my mind. Enough had happened in my life that I was relatively certain I was never going to find iThe One./i It would be romantic to say that all that changed the instant I met Harm, that I knew he was the one for me from the moment I set my eyes on him. The truth is far more prosaic I'm afraid.  
  
When I met Harm I was convinced he was an arrogant, annoying flyboy and nothing more. I resented being pulled off a double homicide to work with him on some stupid yet high profile case, and I disliked it even more when I discovered the man we were after was my uncle. I couldn't be certain that he didn't know that, and until I found out for sure, I reserved my final judgment on his character.  
  
Even when he told me that he'd had no clue Matt O'Hara was my uncle I still didn't like him. It wasn't until he made it clear that he was willing to do whatever it would take to clear my uncle's name-despite the fact that I'd taken him prisoner the night before-that I knew there was more to this sailor than dress whites and gold wings. 


	2. Trust

Disclaimer: See part 1  
  
Part 1: Trust  
  
That was the moment I realized I'd finally found a man--besides my uncle-- who might be worthy of my trust. I'd learned long ago that men, in general, were not a trustworthy lot. My father abused me, all my friends who said alcohol would make the pain go away deceived themselves and me, and my husband... my husband was a shiftless ne'er-do-well.  
  
Uncle Matt was the exception to my rule. When he found out about my wreck, he came and got me and he helped me dry out. Then he placed me on the track I'm on now. He gave my life back to me, and I love him for it.  
  
The only other man I've come close to trusting is John. He didn't take advantage of me in Okinawa when he could have, and he was willing to take the blame for Chris' death to keep me from going to Leavenworth. Even then though he wasn't the first person I wanted to go to... but I'm getting ahead of myself.  
  
Even though I felt like I could trust Harm, it was still something I had to learn to do. For someone with my background, not only does trust have to be earned, it has to be taught. Harm had to teach me how to let myself trust him.  
  
This became obvious when I ranted at him for sandbagging me in court. Professionally, I was right. He had completely thrown me for a loop with that ricocheting bullet theory. Personally, I was way off base. What I saw as a fault is actually a great asset. His ability to keep friendship from clouding his ability to argue his case, yes, even when he seems to switch it on and off like a bilge switch, that is what makes him such an incredible attorney.  
  
It is also what makes him an amazing friend. No matter what I do to him in court, I know that (usually) an hour or two later he's my friend again. Of course, there are lines neither of us would cross in the court room, but that brings us back to trust.  
  
I was still wary of him when he offered to take me flying. What was his motivation? I had never really experienced friendship with no strings attached, and I was reluctant to believe that was what he was offering.  
  
By the end of the day, I knew at least one thing. I could trust Harmon Rabb to do everything in his power to bring me home safely, no matter what that meant. While it still isn't a day I like to think about, it was a tremendous feeling to know I was safe with him. 


	3. Friendship

Disclaimer: See part 1  
  
Part 2: Friendship.  
  
That was the day I accepted Harm as more than a partner-he was my friend. I suppose some would argue and say that our friendship started earlier. I would counter that by saying that friendship cannot exist without trust. That is one of the things my relationship with Harm has taught me.  
  
All the ups and downs of our friendship have stemmed from similar changes in the amount of trust we had in each other, or from moments when it seemed that trust had been betrayed. The best example is the downward spiral that began with my trial.  
  
As I mentioned earlier, John was not the first person I wanted to go to after Chris approached me. My instincts told me to go to Harm, but he was. "otherwise occupied." I suppose I'd already come to think of him as mine in some ways, because that certainly hurt. What hurt more though was the fact that he couldn't be bothered to come help me when I needed him.  
  
That tiny little dent in my trust for him affected our friendship for the next several months. Oh, you couldn't tell at first. it was just something I could feel deep in my heart-a knowledge that something wasn't right. I guess the best explanation is that it was a seed of doubt and hurt that took a while to germinate into full-blown resentment.  
  
It did though; oh, did it ever! Four years later, and I still can't believe we were stupid enough to get caught fighting in the middle of the office like a couple of polecats. The admiral was well within his rights to send us under the sea. Heck, he'd have been well within his rights to send us packing to Iceland! Under the polar icecap with the man, sleeping in the bunk under him, and we still couldn't get along. That little bit of mistrust had exploded in our faces.  
  
But then Holst came after us. You know what they say-there's nothing like a life or death experience to cement a friendship. Well, it worked for us the first time, and it worked again the second time. How could I not trust this man who had been my eyes?  
  
If only the story ended there. Unfortunately, Harm's desire to get back in the air came between us. That's partly my fault, I can see that now. I should have trusted him enough to still be my friend even if he had his beloved F-14 back on a day to day basis. But somehow when he told me he was leaving, I could feel nothing but betrayal. I'd thought I'd found a man who wouldn't leave at the first opportunity, and yet here he was going. I was even more sure that our friendship meant nothing to him when he displayed less emotion than I thought appropriate before he left. I know now that for Harm, that was equivalent to buckets of tears.  
  
If I'd known that then, I would have taken more effort to keep in touch. Now I'm not taking the full responsibility for that-he could have picked up a pen or a phone as easily as I. However, if his friendship mattered to me as much as I thought it did, I should have taken the first step. I certainly should have told him about something as momentous as my promotion. Looking back, I realize that was the start of our problems when he came back. 


End file.
